


Event Planning for Experts (1/1)

by treble



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-02
Updated: 2013-05-02
Packaged: 2017-12-10 04:00:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/781513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/treble/pseuds/treble
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Jeff and Annie make a possibly ill-advised bet, the group forms a Pierce-related plan, and Annie and Abed may or may not have semi-secret sex. pretty standard stuff. Set after the season 2 finale. archiving all my old fics from my lj.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Event Planning for Experts (1/1)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I'm now facebook friends with Dan Harmon and in return he gave me these characters. Except, no.  
> Author's Note: I wrote this in about day and had an insanely fun time doing it, but it's a bit messy.

***  
   
“Annie, are you sleeping with Abed?” Britta interrupted.  
   
Jeff looked up from his phone for the first time since brunch at the diner began.  
   
“What? All I did was loan him chapstick.”  
   
“Yeah, but you managed to silently use the ‘I love butterflies voice’ while you did it,” Troy added, looking at Abed with a frown. “Man, seriously? You didn’t even tell me? And now it’s like there aren’t even any sprinkles LEFT on the donuts. They just have residual smeared chocolate frosting.” He slumped further down into the booth.  
   
Without taking her gaze off Annie, Britta reached across the table to slap at Troy, missing by a good foot and flailing near the napkin dispenser.  
   
Shirley frowned, “Well, my sprinkles are still intact. Why does no one ever care about my sprinkles?”  
   
“Everyone, again, we aren’t donuts! Seriously, no one? No one?  
   
“Fine Britta, would you rather be hollowed out creamsicles?”  
   
“What, ew.”  
   
“-Or decapitated gingerbread men?”  
   
“Troy, you’re missing-“  
   
“Sorry,” Troy sighed, “Gingerbread women? Gingerbread persons?”  
   
“TROY, you’re completely missing the point, which is your incredibly offensive objectification and personifi-“  
   
From around the table came groans of, “Britta!” “ugh,” and “you’re the Gwenyth Paltrow of Greendale.”  
   
“I don’t even know what that last one means.”  
   
“Oh, yes you do. Crazy, pompous-”  
   
“Anyway, I’d rather get objectified than lectured at,” Annie mumbled.  
   
“Thank you Annie. I assure you, as gingerbread, I’ve no doubt you’d be delicious.”  
   
“Thanks Troy.”  
   
“Seriously, Annie!” Britta put her head in her hands. “Fine! If you ladies want to stand by while we are reduced to sticky items for the boys to claim and ingest-“  
   
“Britta, as usual, you’re completely correct. Thank you for showing us how to alienate others by being self-righteous. Again. Now, if we all remember correctly, Annie was about to tell us how she has given away her innocence and purity. And to Abed! Both of you! I’m so shocked! And Annie, seriously, Abed? No offense, sweetie.”  
   
“None taken,” Abed shrugged.  
   
“Shirley, first, I didn’t ‘give’ away anything! And even if Abed and I were somehow involved, it’s NOT any of your business, or the business of any of you.”  
   
Jeff stared at Annie for a minute before clearing his throat and returning to emphatically pushing the keys on his phone.  “If this is true, you’re both being dumb.”  
   
Abed squinted a little and shook his head, “Actually, I’ve thought this through. Annie says she feels like she needs more experience and I represent a safe space for her.”  
   
“Abed!” Annie protested.  
   
He raised his eyebrow and scanned the table, “Plus, being part of a love triangle within the group has always been on my college to-do list. Potential drama all around.”  
   
“Oh and,” he said in a deeper voice, “Annie’s really hot.” He winked over at Annie self-assuredly, who wrinkled her nose, torn between blushing and her previous indignation.  
   
Britta frowned and looked between Abed, Annie, and Troy, quickly glanced over at Jeff, down at herself, and then back at Abed, who just stared at her. “That triangle part could go a lot of ways,” he acknowledged, answering her silent question.  
   
After a moment of silence, the table erupted into a stream of angry conversation.  
   
“Again, you people treat me like I’m not even here,” Shirley grumbled, “Having your little romantic trysts and making your ridiculous life choices. And Annie! You aren’t Britta! Be better than that!”  
   
“Um, excuse me, Judge Judas?” Britta snapped.  
   
Troy sniffled a little from his side of the table, “Abed, I just can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”  
   
“It never came up in conversation.”  
   
“It never came up? What you ate for dinner doesn’t come up. That you’re sleeping with one of our friends should come up! And actually, I KNOW that you’ve had Honey Nut Cheerios for dinner three nights in a row, so yeah, actually, maybe that wasn’t a good example. But you get my point!”  
   
“Annie,” Jeff sighed. “You’ll never be able to handle this.” He cupped his hand and shouted through them, “Abed, get out now!”    
   
“Oh really, Jeff? What would you know about what I can handle? You and Britta had casual sex. I don’t see why I can’t.”  
   
Jeff looked over at her with a smirk and waggled his eyebrows, “Oh please, Annie.”  
   
Britta tapped Annie’s hand lightly to get her attention, “Well, I just want to say that I support this. And congratulations for finally going somewhere I haven’t been,” She said, with a hint of sincerity.  
   
Annie’s face lit up, Jeff temporarily forgotten. “Oh! Thanks Britta! That really means a lot, you know, after last year.  And also, because you haven’t, right? There was this one time, when I thought…”  
   
Jeff interrupted. “Enough. Can we please move on to a worthwhile topic? Like picking a class for the fall since we never got around to doing that before? This whole thing is going to blow up, since we all know Annie can’t handle it, and I’d like to be somewhere else when that happens.”  
   
“Okay, you need to stop treating me like a child. I can handle sex now. I have sex. I like sex. I’m even pretty good at it.”  
   
“Testify.”  
   
“Thanks Abed. So, if we could move on and never speak of this again, I’d vote for Biology 101 for our new class.”  
   
“Somehow, I’m not surprised.”  
   
“Do you have a problem with that Jeff?”  
   
“You do seem upset,” Abed observed.  
   
“Yes, even more irritable than usual, Jeffrey.”  
   
“His hair even seems crispier,” Troy frowned, puzzled.  
   
“I don’t know what you’re all talking about. Again, I just don’t understand why we agreed to meet at a crappy diner at 11am on a Tuesday in June to discuss courses for the fall if we were only going to sit here and gossip about Annie and Abed, which is, seriously, yet again, a terrible idea.”  
   
Annie smacked her hand on the table. “Jeff, what the hell? Is this going to be like Rich all over again? You were the one who said there was nothing between you and I. Can you now just admit you’re jealous over the idea of me and Abed?  
   
“Ugh, Annie, it’s just that you’re being naïve. Both of you.  And given Pierce’s departure, I don’t want to see the group fracture even more because you can’t control your indiscriminate hormones. Didn’t you just call us your family a couple weeks ago? I had no idea that’s how you roll.”  
   
“Ew, Jeff. Now you’re just being manipulative. And sick. Obviously that’s not what I meant. And what about you and Britta?”  
   
“Honestly, why am I being dragged into this?” Britta groaned. “We all know Annie could use a little happy happy time and she’s certainly not going to do it herself.”  
   
“Britta!” Shirley threw a sugar packet at the blonde, “I’m sure I don’t know what you are talking about, but if I did I would remind you there are children in this diner.”  
   
“Listen,” Jeff continued, “It comes down to the fact that Britta and I are adults. Unlike you, we can handle it.”  
   
“Ah, so that why you’ve called me kid six times in the last two months?”  
   
“You were counting? Do you keep a set of notches somewhere or is it only a mental tally?”  
   
Annie shifted uncomfortably.  
   
 “Annie, face it, you couldn’t handle this if your Twilight action figure collection depended on it.”  
   
Annie let her lips curl into a smile, “Fine. Challenge accepted.”  
   
Abed tilted his head, “A pointless challenge. Nice.” He pumped his fist in the air.  
   
Troy coughed, “Listen, this is really fun for all of us, except I mean a word that isn’t fun and actually is making me feel like waffles were a bad choice.”  
   
Britta sighed, “Troy, you covered them in peanut butter, mayonnaise and sausage gravy.”  
   
“It’s like Kickpuncher IX is happening in my intestines.” He rested his head on the linoleum of the table and peered down toward his stomach. “I wish I could see it. Go gravy,” he whimpered, “Bring home some justice.”  
   
Jeff shook his head and glanced around at the rest of the group. “Fine, all in favor of Biology 101, raise your hands so we can get the hell out of here before Troy starts to puke something disturbingly rainbow colored.”  
   
Six hands shot up immediately.  
   
“Alright, Biology it is. Abed, Annie, Godspeed.”  
   
***  
   
Abed followed Annie out to her car, the rest of the study group openly gawking.  
   
“That’s cool,” Troy shouted after them, “I can get a ride with someone else. I totally don’t mind watching you two leave together, while I stand here, crippled with pain. And also with a stomachache.”  
   
“Troy, just get in my car,” Britta gestured at the open car door. Yarn and loose papers were already spilling out.  
   
“I either really hate you guys, or really love you guys,” Troy yelled, as Annie and Abed slammed their doors.  
   
“Do you think this whole thing is a terrible idea?” Annie asked Abed as she buckled her seatbelt.  
   
“Annie look, I figure you feel like you’re helping me learn to better connect with people, which makes you feel useful. And maybe you are helping me with that.” He shrugged and she gave him a half-smile.  
   
“Plus,” he panned his hand across the front seat and his voice took on a movie-announcer quality, “What exciting repercussions could this have come fall? Who knows? The possibilities are endless...”  
   
“Abed! I’m being serious.”  
   
“So am I,” he looked back at her, puzzled. “What are you really upset about?”  
   
“What if Jeff’s right?” she smacked her head on the steering wheel. “I don’t know if I can do, well, what if I can’t handle casual? I mean I know that sometimes, well, I can get a little…”  
   
“Intense?” Abed offered.  
   
Annie frowned.  
   
“Annie, I think our definition of casual doesn’t have to be Jeff and Britta’s definition of casual. They’re like Heath Ledger and Mary Kate Olsen. Too soon? Well still, we’re more like Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock **.** You see what I mean?”  
   
“I don’t know what any of that means.”  
   
“Really? We have a lot to do this summer.”  
   
“Does this mean I get to borrow DVDs?  
   
“Annie, Troy doesn’t even get to borrow DVDs.”  
   
“Got it.”  
   
“Look, I’m in if you’re in. And I’m out when you’re out. And vice versa.”  
   
“Okay,” said Annie nodding with a smile, “Secret handshake?”  
   
“Of course.”  
   
Annie beamed.  
   
***  
   
By some sort of unspoken agreement, Annie didn’t talk to anyone in the group, save Troy and Abed, for almost two weeks.  
   
Yet she knew immediately when her phone chimed with a new text at 2am on a Thursday that it was neither of them.  
   
“don’t challenges need some kind of wager?”  
   
She stared at her phone with a scowl, rhythmically flipping it open and shut.  
   
“What do you want Jeff?”  
   
“you make it through the summer, i’ll actually take notes in class this fall. color-coded notes, annie, color-coded”  
   
“And if I don’t?”  
   
“you do all my papers for the semester.”  
   
“Are you drunk right now?”  
   
“does it matter?”  
   
“Are you in the habit of thinking about me and Abed having sex when you’re drunk?”  
   
When five minutes passed without a response she typed without hesitation,  
   
“You’re on, James Bond. You might as well go get yourself a BNL pencil case…”  
   
 ***  
   
It was 3am on the following Tuesday before he texted her again.  
   
“i’ll need some kind of proof, otherwise you could be bluffing.”  
   
“What do you mean proof?”  
   
“how do I know you won’t fake that you’re sleeping together, just to win.”  
   
“I’m not a liar, Jeff.”  
   
“we both like to win.”  
   
She took a deep breath and stretched out her legs, staring at the bright red polish on her toes.  
   
“Jeff, don’t pretend to know me better than you do.”  
   
By the time he finally responded the voice on Dildopolis’ megaphone was halfway through a reading of the sexy saga of Thor and Gwendolyn, part of the weekly Erotic Open Mic Night.  
   
“annie, don’t pretend to be something you’re not.”  
   
She turned the phone off, slammed it in her nightstand and curled up in her bed, drifting to sleep right as Gwendolyn and Thor discovered inventive uses for a tree branch and some fishing net.  
   
***  
   
By mid-July, the Pierce-shaped absence in the group was becoming increasingly noticeable. There were no trips to the lake, no movie viewings in his theater, no email chains about his behavior that devolved into debates on what code name they should use when planning outings (The last chain had largely settled on #SilenceOfTheGramps, with one lonely vote for #Friendship).  
   
Annie tried to broach the topic the evening they gathered for Shirley’s birthday, one of the few times they had all managed to get together since the morning in the diner.   
   
“Guys, hey, listen up. We have to decide how we’re going to handle the Pierce situation,” Annie began from her place perched next to Shirley on the hammock in the Bennett’s backyard.  
   
“Oh, yes Annie! That is just the way I would like to celebrate another year on this earth, thinking and talking about Pierce Hawthorne.”  
   
“Shirley, that’s not very Christian of you. And also, don’t try to be sarcastic. You aren’t very good at it.”  
   
“Excuse me, little Miss Prynne?”  
   
“Snap! Literary burn!” exclaimed Troy.  
   
Everyone looked over at him in surprise.  
   
“What? I’ve seen Easy A, multiple times. Emma Stone is pretty high on my Dreams and Goals list, right after Brittany Snow but before Christina Hendricks.”  
   
Abed and Troy high-fived, while Annie rolled her eyes.  
   
“Annie,” Britta spoke slowly, turning back to the brunette, “I think that situation pretty much resolved itself. He made his decision, and I don’t think any of us are really all that torn up about it. Plus, I know we never wanted to talk about it, but I don’t miss that smell. Like, expired Calvin Klein mixed with bean sprouts and Icy/Hot.”  
   
Troy shrugged, “I’m just glad he gave me through the summer to find a new place to live.”  
   
“See, that was so nice of him!”  
   
“Yeah, it _would_ have been nice if he hadn’t told me by tweeting it, and then followed it with another tweet saying, ‘FYI: My people will be checking your stuff when you leave. I don't blame you, morality came to my kind first.’” Troy furrowed his brow.  
   
“Yup, saw that one,” Abed nodded.  
   
“Really,” Annie gestured around the yard, “You’re saying that none of you, not even a little bit, wish that things had turned out differently?”  
   
As everyone demurred, shifting around in their seats, Jeff appeared from around the side of the house.  
   
“Fantastic. I can see I’ve arrived just in time for the awkward portion of the evening.”  
   
Annie flickered her eyes toward Abed, who smiled back at her before returning to curiously sniffing a bottle of Ranch dressing.  
   
She cleared her throat, “Hello Jeff, nice of you to join us, two hours late. I was just mentioning to the group that I think we should work out a strategy for dealing with the Pierce problem in the fall.”  
   
“Let me guess, they all think we should do nothing, that Pierce is a grown man who made his choice, and that we had mostly decided he no longer belonged in the group anyway.”  
   
Annie glared at Jeff and tightened her grip on the netting of the hammock.  
   
“Jeff! I think Pierce’s actions more than-”  
   
“Save it. Everyone, I’m actually with Annie on this one.”  
   
Five shocked faces looked up at Jeff. He slowly lowered himself into the last remaining lawn chair and looked around at the group, letting his sunglass-clad gaze rest on each member.  
   
“God, you look like a douche rocket. Just take the sunglasses off. It’s 9pm,” Britta snapped.  
   
“Seriously woman, it’s called making an entrance. As I was about to say, Britta, I even have a plan.”  
   
***  
   
Andre was up putting Shirley’s boys to sleep, so Annie slipped into the dark house silently. She was rummaging in the fridge for a can of soda when she felt Jeff enter the kitchen.  
   
She grabbed the last can from behind a stack of Tupperware and spun around to face him, the closing of the refrigerator door extinguishing the only light in the room.  
   
“Yes?”  
   
“Just checking to see if the world’s worst idea had backfired yet,” he drawled nonchalantly, walking toward her  
   
“Nope,” Annie pronounced softly, breaking the word into two syllables.  
   
He leaned toward her, resting on the countertop with his arms crossed. The face of his watch glinted with the glimmer of the distant entry hall light.  
   
“Proof?” He spoke quietly, his tone slightly mocking.  
   
Her eyes had mostly adjusted to the darkness and she stared up at him, unflinchingly. In the same soft tone she replied, “Well, we’re working our way through a book and a set of videos. Do you need names?”  
   
Her left leg was shaking a little and she could measure the distance between them in breaths. She took a gulp of air and continued, “Or is that mental image sufficient?”  
   
He stared back down at her, the hint of teasing mostly gone from his face.  
   
She could hear the ticking of seconds coming from his watch, and she found herself counting along with the sound as she matched his gaze. Her leg had stilled.  
   
The words came out of her like a sigh, “What are you doing?”  
   
He blinked in rapid succession, but didn’t answer.  
   
She popped the top of her can of soda and pushed away from the counter, her gaze the last thing to pull away.  
   
“Good night Jeff.”   
   
She returned to the backyard, pausing for a moment right outside the patio door, before walking over and taking the empty seat next to Abed.  
   
He looked over at her with a thoughtful look on his face. “I can’t decide what’s an appropriate response here. I’m leaning toward Dean from Gilmore Girls.”  
   
She shook her head with a faint smile, “I’ve never watched Gilmore Girls.”  
   
“Really? You’d like it.”  
   
“It was nothing,” she gestured toward the house, “There’s nothing-”  
   
He interrupted her, “Maybe Greg Kinnear in You’ve Got Mail?”  
   
“Haven’t seen it either.”  
   
He gently grabbed her wrist and laced his fingers through hers, staring intently at their interlocked hands for a moment before giving them a quick squeeze and letting go.  
   
“That, Annie, upsets me.”  
   
She smiled and turned back to the group.  
   
***  
   
“Why, exactly, did all of us have to go pick up party supplies for an event not taking place for another month? This seems really inefficient,” Jeff grumbled from the driver’s seat.  
   
It was 10am on a Saturday in early August and the majority of the group was squished into Jeff’s car, clutching cups of coffee and rubbing sleep from their eyes.  
   
“Yeah,” echoed Britta from the front passenger seat, “How exactly did this happen again? And why did Shirley get to skip it? And we’re going to Target! which, it should be noted, has labor practices JUST AS BAD as those of Walmart. Just because it’s better organized and funded by-”  
   
“Guys!” Annie interrupted from the middle seat, “We haven’t hung out in weeks. It’s a friendship adventure! And God Britta, don’t be such a happiness hoover.”  
   
“Happiness hoover?”  
   
“Yeah, see, she’s making me miserable and so she’s like a life force vacuum –ugh I hate you guys.”  
   
“Look, I have somewhere I have to be by 12, and since this is my car, the faster we can get this done the better.”  
   
“Do you all really think throwing Pierce a party is going to work?” Troy asked.  
   
“Do you have a better idea?” Jeff snarked.  
   
“I’m just saying, making him the center of attention could backfire. Don’t you guys remember what happened during the Greendale Gladiator Games?”  
   
Abed nodded sagely, “Those were dark times.”  
   
“Well, someone gave him a metal cane and the keys to the annex, what did people really expect to happen?” Annie said defensively.  
   
“Not what happened,” Britta retorted.  
   
“The point is,” Troy continued, “I think instead of throwing him a party and making him the center of attention, we throw a party where we know he’ll still come. Then, we win him back.” He glanced over at Annie and, with a practiced sigh added, “For the long-term good of the group.”  
   
Jeff tapped his thumbs on the steering wheel, “By all means Troy, please take my carefully crafted plan and make it your own.”  
   
“I think Troy’s probably right,” Britta offered. “If he is coming back, it has to be on mutually agreeable terms and if we start things with a situation he’s going to exploit, it isn’t going to work.”  
   
“It’s Pierce! He’ll find a way to exploit the situation regardless.”  
   
“Jeff, if you are still so hostile to Pierce, why do you even want him back in the study group?” Annie asked with a frown.  
   
He turned at the next exit and began to shift the car off the highway. His eyes flickered up to the rearview mirror, where four sets of eyes were watching him.  
   
“Annie’s birthday,” he answered instead, “It has to be a party for Annie’s birthday.”  
   
“My birthday isn’t until December.”  
   
“Does anyone think Pierce will remember that? We convinced the man last year that he had forgotten his own birthday.”  
   
“She is his favorite,” Abed added, “That could work.”  
   
“I was his favorite, until paintball. Who knows now? And I don’t like it. It feels dishonest.”  
   
Abed turned and studied Annie. He stared at her intently for a moment, before relaxing, carelessly slipping his arm around her shoulder. “Come on doll, you know you’re the key to all of this. One word from you and this whole Pierce nonsense could be a distant, unpleasant memory.” With his index finger, he tucked an errant piece of her hair behind her ear.  
   
“Abed!” She swatted his hand away, “Don’t do that. You know I hate it when you switch personas in the middle of something. And ugh! That’s my least favorite one by now.”  
   
“Really? I love it when he does that,” Troy shrugged.  
   
“Wow, that’s way too much information –please stop, both of you. So, Annie?” Jeff caught her eye through the mirror.  
   
“Annie, it’s probably our best bet,” Britta said, “You know, if it’s really as important to you as you’ve said it is...”  
   
Annie glanced around the car for potential allies. Finding none, she looked back up at Jeff in the rearview mirror. He raised a challenging eyebrow at her and she held his gaze as she responded, “Fine, then September 17th, we celebrate my 21st birthday.”  
   
“Oh yay!” mocked Jeff, smirking back at her, “I guess it's time to break out the Seven  & Sevens.” He put the car in park.  
   
“Seriously dude, whatever," Troy grumbled. "They are delicious. Like candy that makes you happy. Happier. Happiest. Happimost. Yeah.”  
   
“Wahooo,” muttered Jeff, and with that he broke Annie's gaze, slipped on his sunglasses and stepped out of the car.  
   
Abed reached over Annie from the middle seat to open the car door, “Here, let me get that ma’am.” He waggled his eyebrows.  
   
Annie glanced over at him, “Abed, seriously. Not now.”  
   
He looked back at her for a moment before shrugging.  
   
They slipped out of the car and walked into the store silently, though before they split to go their separate ways she reached over and teasingly tugged on the strings of his hoodie twice.

He offered back a half-smile.  
   
***  
   
The text notification on Annie’s phone chimed at a little past 10pm about a week later.  
   
“did you intentionally leave the target bag with the condoms in the backseat of my car? the receipt has your name on it”  
   
“Oh, is that where it went? Sorry.”  
   
“btw, anyone can buy a box of condoms. it doesn’t prove anything”  
   
“If you’re suggesting I save you a used one next time, that’s really gross Jeff. Is there a name for that kind of kink?”  
   
“annie, there’s name for every kind of kink, though i’m sure you haven’t heard of most of them yet.”  
   
“I think I’m proving a pretty fast learner.”  
   
“let me guess, you take notes during porn”  
   
“Would I be me without my multicolored pens?”  
   
“no, you wouldn’t”  
   
“So does that mean you can finally handle me watching porn?”  
   
“thanks for bringing that up again”  
   
“I don’t mind some of it. But erotic story night downstairs is way more educational.”  
   
“seriously?”  
   
“Yup. Some are really decent stories. Among all the smut.”  
   
“smut, Annie?”  
   
“Shut up. You should come try it sometime. I’m sure you’d learn something.”  
   
“i’m sure i don’t need tips from a bunch of romance novels written by socially-illiterate rejects.”  
   
Annie chewed her lip as she sprawled out on her bed, prepared to send her last message of the night to Jeff.  
   
“You can just keep the condoms Jeff. I already have plenty and I know a guy like you must go through them super quick.”  
   
She was surprised to hear the chime go off again an hour later, even more surprised to see the text was from Abed.  
   
She stared at her phone for a long time, until she finally flipped it open to read the message.  
   
“In the beginning, we agreed on both in, or both out, right?”  
   
“Right,” Annie texted back.  
   
“Maybe we should talk?”

Annie nodded down at the phone, before remembering she had to actually respond.

***  
   
On the last Tuesday before school started, 1am saw Annie padding around her apartment with wet hair, searching for her sewing kit so that she could mend the hem on her favorite skirt. Two sharp knocks on her door interrupted the soft lull of her stereo.  
   
She peered through the peephole and saw Jeff, the top two buttons of his shirt undone and his face flushed.  
   
She opened the door quickly, “What are you doing here? Did your car breakdown? Are you okay? Wait, are you drunk?”  
   
He leaned against the doorframe.  
   
“I went to your stupid erotic story night. I didn’t realize it would be so crowded! I got stuck in the back and couldn’t get out and then there was this whole story involving a tractor and alligator wrangling and people just wouldn’t leave,” He shuffled agitatedly.  
   
Annie stared at his flushed face, his open collar, the light perspiration across his forehead and laughed with glee, “You got turned on! By erotic open mic night!”  
   
“No? Don’t be insane. I came up to tell you how stupid it was. The only reason I even went was so that I could tell you that everything you are learning from it is wrong. Seriously, the logistics behind some of those things,” He grabbed the glass of water Annie had been holding in her hand and took a sip, grimacing, “Well, they aren’t humanly possible. They are teaching you to have unrealistic expectations.”  
   
She took the glass back with a frown and rolled her eyes.  “At this point, I’m fully aware of what is feasible and what is not,” she looked up with a smirk, “but it probably depends on respective levels of flexibility.”  
   
Jeff scowled down at her before finally glancing around the rest of her small apartment. “Where’s Abed?”  
   
She shifted her eyes away, turning to examine the chipping paint on the doorframe, “He and Troy went camping for a few days.”  
   
“Lover’s quarrel?”  
   
“Between Troy and Abed. They went to go reconnect and-”  
   
Jeff interrupted, “They also told one involving a tree trunk.”  
   
“What, oh, tonight? Ah, the one with the fishing net? Again? Well, that’s a big favorite. I hadn’t realized forestry could be so… romantic.”  
   
“I would rate the logistics in that one as only barely possible for average humans.”  
   
Annie let a ghost of a smile pass her lips.  
   
“Before I forget, here,” Jeff reached into his back pocket and handed Annie the pack of condoms she had previously left in his car.  
   
“Jeff…”  
   
“Don’t worry Annie, I have my own.”  
   
“Oh, well, great. That’s good. Be prepared! That’s what I say, when I say…things, that I say.” She began to rock on her heels uncomfortably.  
   
He shook his head, “I didn’t know your hair was normally curly.”  
   
She self-consciously patted her still-wet hair.  
   
“More wavy, I guess. I straighten it.”  
   
He reached out and pulled at one of the damp strands, wrapping the curl around his finger and tugging. “I like this.”  
   
Annie didn’t respond, staring instead at the small L-shaped spot on his chin where his razor had missed. He wrapped a second finger around a strand and then slowly let both curls unwind.  
   
“My hair? You like my hair? Or this, us.”  
   
Jeff looked at her for a moment and then stepped back, “I meant your hair. It suits you. Well, this you, anyway.”  
   
Annie cleared her throat and softly whispered, “Whatever you’re trying to do, it isn’t working.” She flashed him a triumphant grin.  
   
Jeff smiled genuinely, “Annie, you don’t need my help to turn a casual fling into a trainwreck. I’m just prepared to reap the rewards. Night milady.” He saluted as he turned to walk down the hallway.  
   
“Wait, Jeff.”  
   
He turned back toward her, eyebrows raised.  
   
“Um, why did you decide you wanted Pierce back in the group?”  
   
His face became immediately wary, as he rubbed the space between his eyes with his index finger and shrugged. “Keep your enemies close? The evil you know? Family is family? It’s one of those things. Maybe all of them. Probably not the sappy one though.” He stared down at the floor before looking up at her for a long moment, then turning back and heading down the hallway.  
   
Annie listened to his heavy footsteps echo down the stairs before she finally closed the door and set the lock.  
   
***  
   
By 6pm on September 17th, the group was beginning to assemble in the study room, where Annie was feverishly finishing hanging the streamers.  
   
“Annie, if you aren’t going to let anyone help you decorate the study room, why are you making all of us be here an hour early?”  
   
“Jeff! You know that every time we give the responsibility to one person, it ends up not getting done or being a disaster. So this time, you’ll all have tasks!”  
   
Without looking up, Annie began to ruffle through papers and magazine cutouts. “Abed, Troy, you are in charge of getting Pierce here by 7. He doesn’t know about the party, so use whatever means necessary. Shirley is bringing the cake in a bit, so she’ll set out food. Britta, can you finish hanging this banner? And Jeff, blow up these balloons.”  
   
“Gee, Annie, I don’t know if I can handle that much responsibility. Balloons?”  
   
“Dude,” Troy jumped in, his voice a loud whisper, “I wouldn’t if I were you. Girl has been INSANE all week. Like if Winona Ryder, Lindsay Lohan, and Tyra Banks were to magically fuse together into one superpsycho chick.”  
   
Abed nodded, “That’d be hot.”  
   
“Right?! So hot! I had the idea the other night. I named her Rita.”  
   
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”  
   
“That basically it’s the best film we haven’t made yet?”  
   
“GUYS! We have an hour. Could we please focus for that one hour? I mean, it’s my fake birthday, so please, just do what I ask. And also, seriously, Superpsycho chick? Come on.”  
   
“I said she was hot.” Troy muttered.  
   
“Sorry Annie,” Abed said at the same time.  
   
Jeff laughed and Annie fixed her glare on him.  
   
She picked up the package of balloons and threw it at him, full force. “Be useful. Everyone else, get going.”  
   
“Wow Abed, you showed her,” Jeff smirked as he opened the bag of balloons  
   
Abed shrugged as he put his hoodie on, “We all know by now how everyone responds to pressure, and it’s pretty clear to everyone that Annie needs complete control in these kinds of situations.”  
   
Jeff cocked an eyebrow, “Is that fancy talk for whipped?”  
   
Abed tilted his head pensively. “Jeff, do you think Annie and I are currently sleeping together?”  
   
“Hellooooo, I come bearing cake!” Shirley walked in, carrying a three-tiered confection coated with pink and purple icing, topped with star figurines and a girl oddly reminiscent of Rainbow Brite.  
   
“Shirley, I’m hypothetically turning 21, not 8.”  
   
“Aren’t you sleeping with Annie?” Jeff asked Abed.  
   
“Well excuse me for not wanting to decorate your birthday cake with signs of sin,” Shirley snarled before going on in a lighter voice, “I thought you’d appreciate the callback to a simpler time.”  
   
Abed shook his head at Jeff, “Not anymore.”  
   
“Ah HA! I knew it!” Jeff turned on Annie.  
   
“Shirley! She’s turning 21! It isn’t sin. It’s called being an adult,” Britta snapped. “The way we glorify childhood is actually kind of sick, if you ask me.”  
   
“Britta, no one did ask you and we’ve long established that you and I have different ideas about what actually makes someone an adult. Now can you just shut up and admire the damn cake?”  
   
“You knew what?” Annie asked Jeff.  
   
“You and Abed haven’t been sleeping together! I knew it! I knew you couldn’t handle it and stay this cool! Which means I win the bet.” He stretched his arms up and folded them behind his head, “Try to aim for a B on the papers? We need them to seem realistic.”  
   
“I said we weren’t, not that we haven’t been. That challenge turned into a bet?” Abed turned to Annie with a vaguely bemused expression.  
   
Annie turned to Abed with wide-eyes, “Not really, kind of?”  
   
“You know your Disney face doesn’t work on me.”  
   
“Well, right, remember, back at the diner in June, Jeff said he didn’t think we could sleep together without it becoming a huge deal! And all I said was that we totally could. And so we put a tiny, baby wager on it.”  
   
Abed wrinkled his nose and wiggled it around, “I think I should feel used. Or like a stooge.” He nodded, “Yeah, that’s it.” He looked over at Jeff and then back at Annie.  
   
 Jeff shrugged, “Look, I’m sorry man. I wasn’t trying to get involved-”  
   
“Jeff, almost everyone in this room, even maybe you, knows exactly what you were trying to do. So, after doing a quick consideration of possible reactions, this seems within reason.”  
   
Abed reached over and grabbed a hunk out of the cake in Shirley’s hands, “No! Abed! What are you doing?”  
   
Jeff raised his hands in the air, “Abed, think about what you are about to do. Is it really that big of a deal?”  
   
Abed rolled his shoulders back and answered in a voice much deeper than usual, taking on a pronounced southern drawl, “You, sir, have insulted me,” he stopped abruptly with a puzzled expression. In his regular voice he continued, “Wait, one second.” He grabbed his shoulder bag and dug around, pulling out a small hat.  
   
“Awww, it’s the world’s tiniest cowboy hat! Abed, that’s so cute!” Shirley cooed.  
   
“Abed, why in the world would you have that with you?” Britta peered into his abandoned bag.  
   
“Call it a hunch,” Abed said, adjusting the hat. “Now, where was I? Oh, right.” He cleared his throat and stretched out his shoulders. Speaking again in the deep southern drawl he started, “You, sir, have insulted me, compromised my manhood, and taken advantage of my former lady friend here. What do you have to sa-” A spray of silly string interrupted him mid-sentence, hitting him right in the mouth.  
   
He looked down, puzzled, before spitting out a glob of green silly string. He smacked his lips together loudly in distaste.  
   
“Jeff!” Annie exclaimed.  
   
The room looked over at Jeff, who was putting the cap back on the offending bottle. “What, did you guys really think I was going to let him throw cake at me? What do you think this is, the Disney Channel? I’m wearing an $80 t-shirt. Abed’s just being Abed. That’s what he wanted to happen.”  
   
“I wasn’t actually going to throw the cake. Well, I probably wasn’t going to throw it. I hadn’t entirely determined what Bobby Spade would do yet. I thought Annie was going to run in the middle and make peace, or you would drop to your knees and beg forgiveness.” Abed looked up at the ceiling. “Yup, both of those would have worked.”  
   
“I can’t believe you did that!” Annie spit out at Jeff.  
   
“You can’t believe I did that? I wasn’t the one who just held someone at cake-point. It’s just silly string. And it’s non-toxic, for what it’s worth. I checked.”  
   
“You were the one who started it! You’re always the one who starts it!”  
   
“Your former fuck-buddy doesn’t get any of the blame?”  
   
The room gave a collective gasp.  
   
“That was low Jeffrey, even for you,” Shirley muttered.  
   
 “JEFF! What happened between Abed and I is none of your business. I was an idiot for letting you get involved at all.” Annie spun around to face everyone in the room.  
   
“Yes, as you all know, Abed and I were somewhat involved. No, we aren’t anymore. Yes, it was a mutual decision-”  
   
“It’s true.  Annie’s great but hard to communicate with. There is literally not a single pop culture reference she understands. Not even my DVD collection was going to save that one.”  
   
“And I’d rather be involved with one person, without random characters jumping in and out. But either way, this is not open for discussion.”  
   
“Because you lost the bet. You got emotional.” Jeff offered smugly.  
   
“Because it’s private!”  
   
“Because you lost.”  
   
“BECAUSE IT’S PRIVATE.” Annie was breathing hard, her hands beginning to shake as she stared at Jeff, daring him to continue.  
   
“I’m warning you,” Troy whispered, “Rita is on the move. I repeat. Rita is on the move.”  
   
Jeff didn’t even look up from where he was leaning against the study room table.  
   
“Because, as I predicted, you just couldn’t handle it.”  
   
“ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Annie pushed between Abed and Shirley, ripped the cake out of the latter’s hand, and flung the entire concoction across the room, brightly colored icing ribboning off in every direction. The cake landed in a sickeningly sweet smush right at Jeff’s feet, splashing out several feet in every direction.  
   
The last coherent words heard were “party supply fight!” and then, for a good 30 minutes, there was only pandemonium.  
   
***  
   
Troy was slumped against the wall trying to catch his breath while he surveyed the damage, “It isn’t like this is the first time we’ve wrecked the study room.”  
   
“Right, we’ve got the pen incident, Abed’s runaway Christmas train,” Jeff added from where he sat on the floor, rubbing cake off his face.  
   
“That glitter still shows up in my hair sometimes,” Shirley chimed in.  
   
“Then there was the luau incident, when Troy here thought the wooden study table would be a great location for a bonfire.” Britta winced, picking some silly string out of her ear.  
   
Troy moaned, “That pig was almost so delicious.”  
   
“Not to mention that one time we played Monopoly,” Abed recalled.   
   
Troy shook his head and kicked at some fallen streamers, “Yeah, we probably should have seen this coming.”  
   
“What?” Jeff exploded, “I did see it coming! I told all of you this would end disastrously! I called it! MULTIPLE TIMES.”  
   
“Jeff, the party was your idea!” Britta yelled back.  
   
“Actually, this party was Troy’s! Mine would have worked!”  
   
“What? Dude, you are such a dick sometimes. Maybe if you hadn’t started this fight in the first place, someone would have been able to GO GET PIERCE LIKE WE PLANNED.”  
   
“Oh goodness, that’s right. After all this, we totally forgot Pierce,” Shirley sighed.  
   
Behind the standard assortment of broken chairs, whipped cream, the smashed cake and bedraggled streamers, Annie sat in the center of the room, totally still.  
   
The rest of the group’s angry bickering was suddenly interrupted by a creaking noise, as the giant banner proclaiming “Happy 21st Birthday Annie!!” in her swirly pink bubble letters came crashing down, landing in a giant pile of silly string.  
   
Annie stood up abruptly. “I’d like to thank you all for making this the best possible fake birthday a girl could ask for. Really, it was super swell. On my real birthday, let’s not even try to top it. Just do me a favor and ALL. STAY. HOME.”  
   
“Annie…” a chorus answered.  
   
“No, everyone out. Everyone but Jeff.”  
   
Before standing up, Abed reached over from where he was sitting on the table and knocked her lightly on the chin.  
   
“I’m really sorry about this, Abed,” Annie offered.  
   
“Why?” he asked. “This here was pretty great. And exactly how I would expect everyone to act, given the situation.” His voice dropped to a deep mumble, “We’re still good kid, we’re still good.”  
   
Annie grinned despite herself as Abed backed out of the room.  
   
The rest of the group slowly began to pick their way towards the door, while Annie turned and fixated on Jeff.  
   
As the last member slipped out (Troy, mumbling “now who’s whipped, suckah”), Annie right eye began to twitch.  
   
“You! YOU! You’ve been trying to ruin everything all summer. You, with your words and your hands and your stupid head.”  
   
“Glad we’re being mature about this.”  
   
“Just because Abed and I didn’t make it through the summer, I’m not writing your stupid papers, Jeff. I won’t do it. I don’t think it’s fair.”  
   
“What? You honestly think I care about the papers?”  
   
“Don’t you?”  
   
“Well, yeah. You did lose. Technically, you have to write them. That’s how bets work.”  
   
“Jeff!”  
   
“It’s called a verbal contract, Annie. If we break them, the very foundations of our society will be shaken to their core and then begin to fall apart. Do you want that?”  
   
“Just admit you were jealous! Admit it bothered you!”  
   
“What? I just want you to be able to acknowledge that you couldn’t handle it. You are Annie Edison. You don’t do casual sex. I was right and you were wrong. Say it.”  
   
“Actually, Jeff, the bet was basically that I couldn’t handle casual sex, not that I don’t do it. And I did it. I did it all summer long, Jeff. I did it in all sorts of places, at various times of day, and occasionally, with accessories!” Her voice was raised to a feverish pitch.  
   
“Times of day?”  
   
She took a step toward him, “You get the point. I could handle it. I did handle it. We both handled it, until we decided a couple weeks ago we were both ready to move on. And yes, maybe there were a few emotions involved but honestly, the only problem in the entire situation was you.”  
   
He frowned at her, “How am I a problem?”  
   
“Are you KIDDING ME?” Annie yelled. “You are always a problem, Jeff Winger.”  
   
“Me? ME? You’re the one running around flaunting your sexual exploits in everyone’s faces. At least I had the decency to do it discretely!” Jeff took two steps closer to her, over-enunciating every word.  
   
“Flaunting my sexual exploits? The only reason you were even aware of my so-called sexual exploits is because you were so jealous you had to spend your summer trying to foil them with your Jeff-ness.“ She reached out and shoved him in the chest.  
   
He grabbed her wrist, “Sorry that you seem to have misinterpreted my being such an awesome friend, Annie.”  
   
“I’m sorry, are you actually a successful lawyer with that tenuous grasp on reality? Oh wait, you aren’t!  
   
“Jesus Christ, Annie!”  
   
He scowled down at her from where she now stood, less than six inches away, his hand still wrapped around her wrist. She glared up at him, her free hand somehow resting near the belt loop of his jeans. He ever so slightly wet his lips.  Her eyes widened.  
   
Annie tore her eyes away and shook her head, as if to clear the picture in front of her. In the process, she dislodged a clump of buttercream frosting that had been resting on the top of her head, sending the purple mush flying right into Jeff’s shirt.    
   
She couldn’t help but let out a snort of laughter as he looked down at his t-shirt in horror.  
   
“What the hell, Annie! The entire food fight and I kept this thing mostly clean.”  
   
“Ha, well that’s what you get for hoarding Shirley’s raincoat during the fight!”  
   
He frowned, scooped up half of the frosting and quickly smeared it across her nose.  
   
“Hey!” Annie gasped.  
   
“Oh please,” he said. “That will wash right off. Tonight, this shirt will have to be retired. Permanently, Annie, as in forever. It’s the least you can do.”  
   
Annie rolled her eyes, “Well, if it’s for a good cause…” She reached out and scooped up the rest of the frosting from his shirt and quickly slathered it down his cheek.  
   
“Annie!" he whined, wrinkling his nose. She challenged him with a raised eyebrow. "Yeah, I maybe deserved that,” he conceded, a hint of a smile crossing his face.  
   
“Look Jeff,” she sighed staring down, “I didn’t mean that about the lawyer crack. And I don’t want to fight anymore. But honestly, if you call me kid one time this year,” her voice was now faint as she looked up, fixing her gaze on him intently, “I’m going to find ways to show you just how not a child I am.”  
   
He met her gaze straight on and bent his head down close to hers. “Fine, Edison. Challenge accepted. But you’ll break before I do.”  
   
She dropped her gaze to his mouth, her eyelashes fluttering languidly.  
   
“Annie...”  
   
She continued to stare intently at his mouth, her fingers half-consciously reaching out to run up the sleeve of his shirt. She simultaneously stretched up toward his mouth while gently pulling on the fabric, earning from him a sharp intake of breath.  
   
She stepped back abruptly, letting her hand drift back to her side. “Excellent. We’ll figure out the wager later.” She flipped on her heels with a swish of her hair and quickly flittered out of the room.  
   
“I still want my papers!” he called to her retreating form. “I earned them!”  
   
He looked around the now empty study room, the way the smashed cake was beginning to congeal with the silly string and smeared artichoke dip and crust into the already dirty carpet.  
   
He sunk into the streamer-strewn couch, grabbed a stray fork and after surreptitiously checking in both directions, scooped up a bite of cake from Shirley’s abandoned raincoat.  
   
“Well, fuck.”  
   
***  
   
“I’m sorry you and Annie didn’t work out Abed. Are you okay?” Britta walked over to where Abed was sitting, on the front steps of Greendale.  
   
“Eh, it’s cool. I had predicted this would happen. I even ship them. And they’re no Jim and Pam, which is good because honestly, Greendale would destroy a pairing like that. But the development of this dynamic should offer good fodder for the future.”  
   
“Abed, just say thank you next time, okay?”  
   
“Thank you, Britta.”  
   
“You’re welcome. Ice cream?”  
   
“Your treat?”  
   
“Yeah, okay.”  
   
“Can Troy come?”  
   
“Sure.”  
   
“Yup,” Abed nodded, adjusting his shoulder bag as he stood up, “This can work too. Hey Britta, can Troy and I have sprinkles on our ice cream? Troy may even need extra.”  
   
“Whatever Abed. Stop being weird.”  
   
“Cool. Cool, cool, cool.”  
   
***


End file.
